You ain't as green as you are young

a lot of melancholy I'm feeling.
I keep reminding myself that this is my life, this is it. I need to analyze every aspect of my life for what it is, what I might be missing or taking for granted, or what I will someday miss. I am so unsettled, although I don't ever remember being fully content. There's always been something on the other side of the hill. It's a lot of procrastination, fear of the unknown.


I supposed I could collect my books and get on back to school.
Or steal my Daddy's cue and make a living outta playing pool.

Are you living or are you existing

If you feel like you need a change but you never surrender then that feeling will eat you alive. The things you regret are the things you never do.

I need to start scrap booking and writing again. my mind races.

Humans are not meant to live like this
Everyone is so fucking confused.
I would be okay living in a Cabin by the water, waking up and feeding my animals, growing my own food.

in other news, Christmas was lovely. I have such an amazing, loving family.
I cannot put into words how lucky I am and how much they mean to me.

Silver spoons

Out through the curtain

A couple nights ago I cut the screen out of my other window so I could climb out onto my roof.
I live in a 100+ year old farmhouse, I don't want to think of how much money it will be to replace but I'm sure it was worth it. Rural Ontario nights are quite enjoyable, Not that I know any better or anything...
In other news:
I own an SLR but I bought myself a $4 disposable camera.I really love how imperfect the images turn out.


It's 4 in the morning, and I'm walking along
Beside the ghost of every drinker here who has ever done wrong

It's crazy

So many people who said,Girl you've got nothing but time, Oh you are a shining star. Don't you worry 'bout what you're leaving behind.

Where there's smoke

I ignored every lesson they had to say

And burned every bridge along the way

laid a trail of deceit along as I go

To get back to the things I used to know.

All just a memory now cause it’s never same

Gone through my options but I am to blame

They told me I’d learn but I thought I was clever

And honestly I wonder if now I know better

Always walking these roads but I never get tired

Can’t get back now ‘cause my path is on fire

Someday you will miss missing

That moment at 3:00 am I realized passion exists. It didn't hit me when I was talking to you and lusting over everything you said. But when I realized that you were the reason for my wondering down this dirt road at unusual hours, missing what used to be. what could have been.

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better...

Okay, Okay

please don't fuck with my tranquility right now.

Life as we don't know it.

1. You will receive a body
2. You will be presented with lessons
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons
4. A lesson is repeated until learned
5. Learning does not end
6. "There" is no better than "here"
7. Others are only mirrors of you
8. What you make of your life is up to you
9. All your answers lie inside of you
10. You will forget all of this at birth.

There are points in this to which I understand but will not yet follow. not because I don't believe them but because I have not yet experienced them for myself.
So let's begin.

Held by lips

I contemplated telling you that I still Crave you like the nicotine, the smoke once drawn into my lungs. heart pounding. pump you through me You're half habit and half addiction.
Love to hate the irony of desiring what only harms me.
Consider the striking resemblance between you and the hot ember that burns my craving away. Temporary. You were comforting like that, rather an object of subtle distraction.
Held by lips, satisfaction, briefly. You used to tease me with impermanent bliss. "always leave you wanting more"
I can never seem you keep you here, though four inch heels couldn't rub you out. Surely we used eachother. you're always tugging at my mind, smoke and mirrors.
I could quit anytime...

have you ever seen the rain

I woke up to rain this morning, To the the smell and the way it sounds.
I love Rain at nighttime. Maybe early morning when you can just make out the shapes of the trees. sometimes I miss sitting under the awning when it's raining, overcast so dark and having a cigarette. When it rains it pours, sometimes so much that when I'm dancing through the field I can hardly see what's in front of me. metephorically speaking, maybe it's better that way.