I don't have to explain

On the car ride home, I didnt say too much
I don't think I ever could have said enough
just a thought about what's underneith
a coy smile with my crooked teeth
I promise it's just innocent
I only mean the best by it
so take my hand, I have a plan.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Colombia.

................

When human beings lose their connection to nature, to heaven and earth, then they do not know how to nurture their environment or how to rule their world - which is saying the same thing. Human beings destroy their own ecology at the same time that they destroy one another. From that perspective, healing our society goes hand and hand with healing our personal, elemental connection with the phenomenal world.


--— Chogyam Trungpa

Aurora Borealis

Both lived in a small town in houses by the water
She’d follow a trail to the lake when she was running from her father
I used to meet her there and talk about our plans
Till it was dark outside, I’d walk her back and hold her hand
Now she had real reasons to run away, but I had nothing there but her to make me stay
I remember the day we finally got so bored, stole her dad’s old mustang from back in 64’
she headed north and just kept driving; saw the northern lights and we both started crying.

Lived in bars, Danced on tables

Gord Downie amazes me.


So I am fond of making lists. it's so interesting to look back on lists I've made and see what I have or haven't done... what I don't give a shit to do anymore.
I forgot I'd like to take a bar tending course. I like bars, they usually play decent music and have decent people, sure we're all there for a reason. All there harboring a story that's been told a thousand times before.

On the way Toronto I saw a car that had been sandwiched between a transport and the cement guard on the 401.
I was late leaving my house, It happened seconds before I passed by. there was a soldier laying on the flatbed looking in the window on the car, I doubt the passengers lived. I think we go through life not realizing how fast life changes, sometimes so subtly or very drastically. There is so much that can be said, I am grateful to be alive.

It's simple, really

Pencil and paper, They say every story has a beginning, middle and end. has anyone ever asked you what your story is?
I guess I just feel like the only one who's ever been lost. We are all lost, maybe I'm just selfish. it's probably true.
Beginning, middle, end.
No way of knowing where something starts or where it ends. the reality is, everything is a circle. it's a theory I should know since I am so used to running in them.

I try to learn from myself, more than the sources and examples I am provided.
I found long ago we tend to be influenced by others, but we set our own examples for ourselves.

a couple night ago, it was a particularly bad night. Natasha's mom called me.
She told me that I cannot expect much from anyone. There was a time when she felt she had lost control of everything, she just waited for her daughters to save her because it felt like she was drowning. she told me you cannot rely on someone to pull you out because everyone is just struggling to stay above the water themselves.
Before hanging up she told me know understands how I feel, and even though the fight is in me, all I have to do was give the word and she would be on a flight from BC to pick me up.

She made me realize there's something about feeling that alone. it's strong instinct to be selfish and fight with everything in you not to sink.